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You know what I hate, I hate being wrong. I hate thinking that one thing is true, being convinced that I know what's going on, and then seeing through someone's actions, or lack thereof, that I was totally mistaken, that what I had hoped was true was not in fact true.

This happens to me all the time. I think, no I know, that some guy is interested in me, only to discover that, once again, it was my imagination.

The worst part isn't that it hurts to know I was rejected, no the worst part is  knowing that it will happen again; today, tomorrow, someday soon--some guy will catch my eye and I'll think, "Hmmm, he's pretty funny, and smart, and cute, I wonder....."  And by then I'll have forgotten all about how depressing the last time was, when I got my hopes up, sent some emails and then waited, and waited, and waited, and finally thought, "Ok, so I was wrong about him. That sucks. Apparently I'm an idiot because I can't see how I was so so wrong, it still seems like some giant mistake, but there's no answer so....." 

Yesterday at work (where I have no access to email) I caught myself thinking, "Maybe when I get home, there will be---no damn it stop that. There won't be anything from anyone."  I can't give up, I keep on hoping thinking 'this time it will be different, this he'll be interested back.' And it never is, ever.

(That's obviously not true, it does work out sometimes, it just feels like it's never true right now.)

I know this is self-indulgent, self-pitying wank and that many of you have real problems, but it's what's spinning endlessly through my head right now and it feels like if I don't get it out it will just start spinning faster and faster as I get more and more depressed, then eventually the pressure will get low enough that my head will implode with a tiny little 'pop'. Then I would fall over and when the body was discovered people would say, "Well, it finally happened, she lost her head over some guy."

pam and I had a nice dinner and mini-shopping trip at Woodfield last night, it was nice to spend time with her and to have a distraction from the swirling vortex of self-pity in my head. We had a large icream dessert after dinner and miniatures were purchased. Also my brother finally returned my mom's phone calls claiming to have missed the one message that mentioned the hospital specifically. Whatever.

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